Archive for Journal

Breathe.

I lied.

I am not ok.

I tried to fool myself, tried to hide my shame.

Four days with you were full of unbridled joy, and once removed from your light the pain I was ignoring was much more plain.

Everything is more clear, but also more fogged.

I told myself I was fine, but now I look and the illusion is gone.

I am more whole than I was a year ago and completely different from ten, but the journey isn’t done yet, there’s much more molding to enact.

You do not shy away, you only look at me silently as I make a move to reclaim the wall I had built around myself… and in the moment when our eyes meet, the wall crumbles away.

The feelings I tried to hide I lay before you now. I am sad, I am afraid, I am slipping back down a hill, I see below me that endless sea of sorrow, and suddenly I can not breathe and can not move. It is not rational.

Today it was cold, the sun never peeked once from the clouds. I spoke my truth after my lie, and you spoke your hurt and then your love, and suddenly my pain was gone.

Might I cling to you in this storm? Once it passes, can I continue to hold on?

You awake in me an urge to build again, but this time not a wall… an abode.  Touch again on those feelings as we intertwine and grow more, reaching towards the stars, supporting each other, but still two lives.

I yearn for the world I see in your eyes.

I long to feel the safety of your arms.

In your company I am better.

I can take that strength and carry on…

I calm myself, close my eyes…

Inhale.

Exhale.

Breathe.

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My Soundtrack…

Friend posted this on facebook, I liked it enough to repost…

“If your life were a movie, what ten songs would be on your soundtrack?”

 

Intro: La primavera: 1. allegro (Full Orchestra arrangement)– Vivaldi

2. Canon in D (String Quartet arrangement) – Pachelbel

3. Storm – Vanessa Mae

4. Cut – Plumb

5. Your Guardian Angel – Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

6. Hunter – Dido / Someone I Used to Know – Gotye (Medley/Mashup, conversation/argument-like)

7. I Don’t Care – Apocalyptica

8. Weeping Willow – The Hush Sound

9. Mirror – BarlowGirl

10. Secrets – OneRepublic

Credits: Momentum – The Hush Sound

Rebalance

I am more tired then I knew, but suddenly aware that the energy I had needs to refill. I reach out to air. There is silence.

My mind knows the reason but I am too tired to think, shield, filter. Instead of relaxing to refill, I end up in a flurry. Raw emotion and doubt take the place of logic. I become vulnerable.

Did I push too fast?
Did I ask too much?
Were those feelings not as mutual as I convinced myself they were?

As smart as I am, as much as I feel, if I lose my balance I am quickly my own worst enemy. My mute button is broken and I can’t turn down the volume.

I focus to much on what I think I want, lost track of what I need and deserve.

Last night I cried my eyes grew sore. No wisdom to find in the words of a trusted friend, totally on my own.

I want to scream but I let it fade to silence.

I feel raw. I doubt that the words could serve.

Am I wrong that the trivia doesn’t matter? What data am I missing?

I dare to hope I am over interpreting. I know you are tired too, know enough to guess. But the silence is deafening, and my eyes hurt too much to interpret the vacuum.

Here then.  I close my spigot and refill my spirit.  Suddenly my eyes are soothed and I am alert.

I rebalance. I come back to center. I shift my focus, but I will return to it. Don’t you dare think you can escape my gravity without a word.

My adamant crystal core remains intact. I will sit quietly in the sun and recharge. I will be working, but my thoughts will flit to my hopes.

I wait, but I will not be idle.

Thought stream…

Off I go
getting excited again
My hopes rise out of my control
Think to my self,
“Is this my best friend?”
I grow ashamed of my condition…
Want to cling to anything that pays me attention.

Yet you seem to listen
You respond
You reach out unprompted
This is all that I have wanted
For so long I have felt neglected.
It’s my emotions, they seem out of control.
Impulses, feelings, thoughts

I should stop.
I should think.
I should wait.

I want to throw myself at something
Show myself totally to someone but stay my own at the same time.

I… 
Have given peeks into me so many times
Display my humor
Relate my plans
Share my creativity
Bare my soul.
In an infinite void of misunderstanding
I am Cassandra, eternally unheard…

Yet then there is you.
You listen, you seem to understand
Take all I have shown you and given back.
A few words from you can seed my energy for days.
I barely know your trivia
I do not think it matters
But yet I am afraid to say how I feel.
Will you run away when I try to come closer?
Like so many others will you grow silent without a word after I say too much?

Dare I suggest the happiness I feel?
Dare I confess that I miss you when you are not here?
Or would it be safer to just let it fade?

No.

It’s written now. I should let you see.

I refuse to hide nor could I stifle my light if I tried. If pain comes again, I will survive it.

The only thing that would be selfish is to keep this in, it shouldnt be a secret.

Thrice two atoms passed, and forth time the bond was set.

And so whatever the bond becomes…
Right now I call you dearest friend.

Netflix Log: First and Second Quarter 2012

BattleStar Galactica:

Just finished this last night. I really liked it, though there were spots where I had to take breaks because I was mad at certain characters. Mostly just Gaius.

The ending was pretty satisfying, but I could see where some people wouldn’t like it, kind of trippy.

I will say I became unexpectedly attached to Roslin and Starbuck’s character arc is a bit confusing.

Crossing Jordan:

Finished last week.

Other then Jordan’s arc in the last season… I think this show had remarkably good pacing and an ok ending. You got the feeling they all went on and lived their lives when you left them, which is kind of the goal in this sort of show I think. My major nitpick was the one episode that should have been a season premier was the last episode of the season.

Its funny seeing some of the Heroes cast have cameos/small roles, kind of gives one the sense that getting your foot in the door with a director actually works for actors. (Crossing Jordan being one of Tim Kring’s creations)

Dollhouse:

Joss Whedon. Ah. I think I am a fan girl.  He hasn’t disappointed me yet. I’m not sure that all of the show was actually aired, especially the two episodes that were set in the “future” of the series.  However, as dreary as those two/three episodes were, they put a cap of the series and really exposed the true evil plan and problem that the technology was and could be used for. Not as fresh in my mind as it was, but still a good show.  People tend not to like things that paint their world as anything but happy fun times.

Being Human UK vs US:

Both of these are still going, Netflix had up to series 3 for UK and just season 1  of US (I think that they just finished 4 and 2 on tv… will have to wait for netflix to get them.

Not a whole lot of difference in the big picture between these two at first. However, by the end of the season there’s enough other  differences, starting with the setting being Boston rather then Bristol, I think maybe it has become enough of its own story, own alternative universe from Bristol, that it possibly deserves the right to exist. I just really don’t like that Hollywood thinks that foreign made shows (from anywhere, not just the UK) need to be Americanized to be accessible to us.  I just don’t buy it.

Breakout Kings:

First season was on Netflix. Finished it a while ago, apparently they are on second season… have to watch netflix for more.

I like the weird team dynamic they have. If you’ve not heard of the show, its kind of The Fugitive, except caught fugitives are helping the US Marshalls track down other prisoners that have escaped.

Watching now:

Medium-  taking a break on this one, husband is getting more likable… but its getting to the point that whenever something weird happens to Alison, they still act like they don’t realize its something weird happening to Alison. I tire of this plot mechanism.

Monk- got to season three, I am starting to remember more of the episodes from when I would catch it  in college. Its pretty fun sometimes, not as funny as it used to be.

Roswell- The music is cool, I like Dido and Sarah MacLachlan which is what they lead in with. We’re in the realms of highschool drama again. It feels like Twilight mixed with Smallville, except Liz is a stronger/more intelligent  person then Bella or Lana and Max is not a vampire but not exactly Clark  Kent.  Also… Isabel Evans is probably Isobel Stevens…good job with the acting Kathryn Heigl.

CSI- I’m actually watching this by disc.  I just finished season nine, which is when Grissom left the show. I’m starting to like Fishburne’s character a little better… but I liked Grissom damnit.

2012 TV Finales

So pretty much everything I’ve been watching this season that’s current television is wrapped up now, so I thought I’d take a bit of time and talk about it.

Renewed:

Bones: I don’t think Booth and Brennan getting together has helped the plot line. In fact, I about threw in the towel at the winter finale. The faith vs science thing is getting very contrived. I might not be watching this one past them catching the suspect from the season finale. (realizing since I started watching Crossing Jordan on Netflix that this show and Castle took elements from it, and I think I was comparing a third show to it too… gah)

Castle: Like Bones last year, Castle has finally pulled the relationship trigger. Hopefully the execution is better then Bones.

Fringe: Its ending next fall. I hope they wrap things up ok, this season has just been weird.  The plot threads are kind of muddled.  I like how it started, but its like the writers had several different ideas and instead of picking one they tried to do it all.

Psych: I still need to watch the finale which is on Hulu, but not hulu plus so I need to watch on the computer, but Shawn is starting to annoy me. He used to come off as quirky and fun, but now he’s kind of like the kid that hangs on to what he had so he doesn’t have to face that things are changing. I thought there was some real growth two seasons ago when he lost his one girlfriend, but its not there any more.

Glee: I mostly started watching Glee because we listened to some of their christmas stuff over the holidays. I like the music, and Sue Sylvester’s over the top antics. I get pissed at the kids though.  I actually had to stop for a bit after watching the first few episodes of season 2 because of all the characters I dislike Rachel the most and she does the most banal things. I guess the thing that rubbed me wrong the most this season was that when I was in high school 8ish years ago, we were all applied for schools and knew where we had been accepted to in the fall. We also applied to more then one school.  I don’t think that ANY of the seniors in the show  did that.  It could just be because my high school had a good arts program though and I was in college prep classes and there were actually people who did what they did in that show.  The last gripe I have is about the ending of the season. More Freaking Rachel. God. Why? Why Rachel? She is the least interesting character and had the least character development in the last three years. Yet we focus on her, because she is the star of Glee club? I don’t know. At my school she would have been near the top of the totem pole without the nationals win. Gah. Maybe she’ll get better with some college.  *Nerd Rage*

Grimm & Once Upon a Time:

Wow. I was waaay dubious on these when I saw previews for them at the movies last summer.  However, I was hooked on Once Upon a Time after the first episode, and Grimm by the third.  I guess Fairy Tales and Snow White in particular are the new sparkly vampires. (Mirror Mirror, Snow White and the Huntsmen in the movies also going on the theme) Anyway, these are my favorites this season, the ones I would anxiously await for them to come on Hulu.  Actually watched them on real tv a few times too.

Both these shows are well written and I’m very glad they got renewed, they are engaging and seem pretty unique in their execution as far as I can tell.  I look forward to keeping them on my Hulu queue in the Fall and not because they both had semi cliff hanger endings.

Touch: Apparently they’ve still got the season finale to broadcast on the 31st, I’ll talk about it more then, I do like it, though I don’t like Kiefer Sutherland’s character that much. He seems like he is a smart guy, a journalist, but he does some really dumb ass things just because he thinks Jake wants him too, he could still do it all just as well with a little more thought I think. Bleh. ONe thing I really like about this show is how all the random people in an episode end up being touched by what Kiefer and Jake are doing. It usually doesn’t come together until just about the end, but the show kind of has a novelty rube goldberg mechanism to it that currently works for it but may get predictable in time.

Canceled/Ended:

House: Planned Series Finale: I’d have to double check, but I don’t think I have actually watched all of seasons 1 and 2, I started watching at season 3 for sure. It had a good long run, and there was some weird turns here and there. I think I liked the note that it ended on, thought it was very Holmes like, which the “Memoir” they showed before the finale had some of the crew mentioning that it hadn’t been on purpose or something. Bleh. Anyway, regarding “Swan Song” Holy shit, Hugh Laurie’s real british accent vs House’s american one? Damn I was confused until I realized what was going on. I mean I was aware that he was british, but I had never heard him talk before.

Awake: Canceled, finished season- Maybe the best new show that didn’t get renewed. I really liked the mechanism, but apparently it didn’t get good enough ratings. However, I’m not too sad, it had a very satisfying ending that they could have picked up with the new season if they wanted to, but it still felt complete. Maybe it was too cerebral? I dunno, I want this one when it comes out on dvd.

Alcatraz: I liked this one too. My dad didn’t so much apparently. I liked the one actor, what’s his name… he played the doctor that was watching the kids in Jurassic Park, and Merlin in that one mini series on nbc oh so long ago. Any way, I liked it. Little pissed at how they left it since they got canceled though.  I really want to know what was up with the chick’s grandfather’s blood and the colloidal silver.

The Finder: Canceled- Second Fox show that I liked that got canceled with an up in the air ending.  Didn’t like this one as well as Alcatraz, but Walter had a certain charm to him. Maybe he’ll turn back up in Bones or something.

 

What I’ll be watching next:

Summer line up:

Eureka, Warehouse 13, Burn Notice, White Collar,

(hmm, two sci-fi, two usa… wonder how that happened)

I got caught up to what netflix has with the following regular season shows and need to either see if they have this year’s season on hulu, download them, or wait until they get put on netflix:

Private Practice and Grey’s Anatomy

What I used to watch and am thinking about trying to get caught up with:

The Mentalist: I thought it was canceled but saw it on the fall line up

Criminal Minds -I lost track of this show a while ago, want to get back into it, if only because I like the one nerdy profiler)

CSI: Again, had lost track of this one a few years ago, plus I really liked Grissom and I stopped watching about that time. I currently have Season 9 disks right now.

Finished Shows that I am ocassionally  working through on Netflix Instant:

Crossing Jordan: its kinda like if Castle and Bones went back in time and had a love child, except you know, this one came out first and time travel is impossible. I am currently on season three and am surprised that the show didn’t go under with the big continuity blip they made. The episode that should have been the premier wasn’t until the  finale., so there was a big feeling that I missed something. Also… the Jordan/Woody  relationship irritates me in a similar manner that the Brennan/Booth relationship in Bones. They haven’t become a couple yet , but I think there’s like 4 more seasons.. so it’s probably going to happen. It is interesting because there have been a few guest appearances by actors that I like in other shows. (Monroe from Grimm and Brennan from Bones)

Battle Star Galactica: I got to the end of Season two and had to take a break because I was mad at Gaius.

Monk: In Season two,  its a cute show, and the guy that plays Monk is good at it, but I am not as enamored by it as I was in college.

The Dead Zone: I had watched a lot of this show a few years ago, but apparently I didn’t watch what I did on Netflix because I have no idea where it was and it started me at the beginning.  Somewhere in season 1, will probably watch ocassionally.

The Medium: Just started watching this one. Husband is kind of an ass, but I like the concept.  Huh. there’s Monroe from Grimm again.

 

 

 

 

Missing something…

I am thinking about looking for a therapist again.  Mainly because reaching out is a long ass process and I need someone to talk to right now.

Everyone I am networked with right now isn’t quite right for what I feel I need to say. So this is what I need:

Someone who doesn’t take everything I say as a complaint or something I am worried about. (Or as something they need to worry about; over all I am so much better then I have been in such a long time. I need someone that understands this.)

Someone who doesn’t try to turn the conversation right back to themselves right away unless it is a related experience that they learned something from. (In addition I need people to understand when I respond to something I say with an experience I had I don’t say it to imply that I had it worse, I am just trying to show I empathize.)

I need someone who isn’t so busy that they forget I texted, left a voice mail, emailed, left a message on facebook… Whatever I tried to do to reach out. I need to have someone who responds. I need to feel like I and my thoughts and feelings matter. If you are busy when I text and you feel like responding with something at all just tell me when would be better. Don’t respond once like you want to talk with me and then stop.

I need someone who likes me enough that when I am talking about something I enjoy that they listen and ask questions even if what I am talking about doesn’t make sense. I am sick of ending conversations with the feeling that because a friend doesn’t understand something they aren’t going to try and the thing I am interested in isn’t worth the salt in the sweat of the people who like it.

If I do something wrong tell me tactically. But be ready for me to try to tell you why I was doing it that way so you can then teach me a different way to think.

If I am rambling about something you have no interest in, fucking tell me.

If our opinions differ let’s discuss civilly so we understand each other and then know to avoid the topic if we can’t come to a middle ground.

Don’t be offended when I try to come up with ideas to help you. And don’t ignore them either. If you don’t like it, tell me why. If you don’t think it will work tell me why. I only share my thoughts I come up for you because I care about you, not because I want to change you. 

If you don’t have time to look at something I sent you and its not mine fine. If its something I have been working on tell me so. It just hurts when I send you something of mine and you never say anything about it later or when I ask. If you aren’t interested just tell me so I stop hurting myself by showing you parts of my soul. Because that’s what a lot of the things I put together are. Parts of me woven into something I am trying to make beautiful.

If I say something you don’t understand tell me. I can usually figure out six otherways to explain. Just don’t pretendto understand and then break my heart later.

It might hurt a little for you to tell me up front something you don’t like, but it will hurt a lot less then to do so after I am invested.

These things are of course alot to ask for from a person. So that’s why I think I might have to get a therapist. Because at least a fucking therapist will tell me when my thinking needs adjusting and not start ignoring me.

A word on the writings on the site.

Alright.

I have eighteen more pieces on facebook, plus some things on google docs that I still need to copy over but I owe something of an explanation as my dad expressed confusion over what was going up, mainly because I had he and my mom subscribe as a follower to the site before I finished putting things up.

Everything that has gone up so far dates from last year-before 2004 (there are a few I know were 2002, but I digress)

Most of these writings are summaries of roleplay or things that fill in from roleplay in the various multiplayer games I have played online and have been organized by setting.

PC & RI is Paragon City and the Rogue Islands; the main two settings in City of Heroes which I played from July 2007- November 2011. This game is now free to play, and if I ever get bored enough I might go back to it briefly, but I have somewhat burned bridges with those I mainly roleplayed with. I will probably try to finish up some pieces, and if I play a game that is similarly in the “real world” I may revive some of the characters into that continuity.

The Great Ball is the setting made up my by friend Fu’Miga.

I first played in the setting when it was a persistent world in Neverwinter Nights called SAGA v3.

The Categories Power and Darkness, and Intermissions and Sideplots took place in this game and were written from January-September 2005

Things under the category Pixbol are rp type things taking place in the same setting, but on a game that’s currently in Alpha testing. Essentially its Bloodbowl, if you’ve ever heard of it, and is what I can most simply describe as “extreme fantasy football” There are two main characters I’m writing for in this- Mavash Tasatir, known as the Monk of No Order, and Nikolea Su, reporter for Pixbol Illustrated.

Arda as some of you very well know, is Tolkien’s lands of the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings.

I played in it through the text based game- The Two Towers, a MUD (Multi-User Dungeon), from November 2001-August 2007

I have currently started playing this game again, and you are likely to see new works from it soonish.

The Category “Early Writings” will be home to anything I find that I’m pretty sure I wrote in 2004 or before.

Journal will eventually start having some sub categories, but for now it is just casual things like this one.

That’s it for now. There might be further category refining later.

That’s what heroes are for…

“Do something,” a hoarse voice said to Schmendrick, as Molly had said it long ago. Prince Lír stood behind him, his face bloody and his eyes mad. He looked like King Haggard. “Do something,” he said. “You have the power. You changed her into a unicorn- do something now to save her. I will kill you if you don’t.” He showed the magician his hands.

“I cannot,” Schmendrick answered him quietly. “Not all the magic in the world can help her now. If she will not fight him, she must go into the sea with the others. Neither magic nor murder will help her.”

Molly heard small waves slapping on the sand-the tide was beginning to turn. She saw no unicorns tumbling in the water, though she looked for them, willing them to be there. What if it was too late? What if they drifted out on the last ebb tide, out to the deepest sea where no ships go, because of the kraken and the sea-drake, and because of the floating jungles of wrack that tangle and drown even these? She will never find them then. Would she stay with me?

“Then what is magic for?” Prince Lír demanded wildly. “What use is wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?” He gripped the magician’s shoulder hard, to keep from falling.

Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in his voice, he said, “That’s what heroes are for.”

They could not see the unicorn for the hugeness of the Bull; but suddenly she doubled on her track and came flying up the beach toward them. Blind and patient as the sea, the Red Bull followed her, his hoofs gouging great ditches in the damp sand. Smoke and fire, spray and storm, they came on together, neither one gaining, and Prince Lír gave a soft grunt of understanding.

“Yes of course,” he said. “That is exactly what heroes are for. Wizards make no difference so they say that nothing does, but heroes are meant to die for unicorns.” He let go of Schmendrick’s shoulder, smiling to himself.

In the effort to gather up old writings I ran across an old journal entry where I lifted this passage from the Last Unicorn. I think it still rings true for me in a lot of ways. I can’t wait for magic, I need to be my own hero.

 

Fiction Archives

Spent today working on this.

I managed to find things from two “eras” of my writing so far/two different settings, with one piece that’s from a third.

The Categories thus far:

PC & RI- Paragon City and Rogue Islands are the main locations from City of Heroes, I played the game regularly from June 2007~November 2011. Writings up as of now that are from that setting are from July of that year on that I could grab from the forums I was a part of.

The Great Ball (FuMiga’s SAGA)- Is the setting for a few things.

What’s up now is stuff I salvaged from the broken forum that is somehow still up from the Original Neverwinter Nights Persistant world. Jan 2005- September 2005.

Arda is the setting for the Text based  Lord of the Rings game I played from November 2001~August 2007 and now again since March 15 2012.

I will see what is around in other crannies on the net and get them up as I can.

 

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