Archive for Poetry

Breathe.

I lied.

I am not ok.

I tried to fool myself, tried to hide my shame.

Four days with you were full of unbridled joy, and once removed from your light the pain I was ignoring was much more plain.

Everything is more clear, but also more fogged.

I told myself I was fine, but now I look and the illusion is gone.

I am more whole than I was a year ago and completely different from ten, but the journey isn’t done yet, there’s much more molding to enact.

You do not shy away, you only look at me silently as I make a move to reclaim the wall I had built around myself… and in the moment when our eyes meet, the wall crumbles away.

The feelings I tried to hide I lay before you now. I am sad, I am afraid, I am slipping back down a hill, I see below me that endless sea of sorrow, and suddenly I can not breathe and can not move. It is not rational.

Today it was cold, the sun never peeked once from the clouds. I spoke my truth after my lie, and you spoke your hurt and then your love, and suddenly my pain was gone.

Might I cling to you in this storm? Once it passes, can I continue to hold on?

You awake in me an urge to build again, but this time not a wall… an abode.  Touch again on those feelings as we intertwine and grow more, reaching towards the stars, supporting each other, but still two lives.

I yearn for the world I see in your eyes.

I long to feel the safety of your arms.

In your company I am better.

I can take that strength and carry on…

I calm myself, close my eyes…

Inhale.

Exhale.

Breathe.

Rebalance

I am more tired then I knew, but suddenly aware that the energy I had needs to refill. I reach out to air. There is silence.

My mind knows the reason but I am too tired to think, shield, filter. Instead of relaxing to refill, I end up in a flurry. Raw emotion and doubt take the place of logic. I become vulnerable.

Did I push too fast?
Did I ask too much?
Were those feelings not as mutual as I convinced myself they were?

As smart as I am, as much as I feel, if I lose my balance I am quickly my own worst enemy. My mute button is broken and I can’t turn down the volume.

I focus to much on what I think I want, lost track of what I need and deserve.

Last night I cried my eyes grew sore. No wisdom to find in the words of a trusted friend, totally on my own.

I want to scream but I let it fade to silence.

I feel raw. I doubt that the words could serve.

Am I wrong that the trivia doesn’t matter? What data am I missing?

I dare to hope I am over interpreting. I know you are tired too, know enough to guess. But the silence is deafening, and my eyes hurt too much to interpret the vacuum.

Here then.  I close my spigot and refill my spirit.  Suddenly my eyes are soothed and I am alert.

I rebalance. I come back to center. I shift my focus, but I will return to it. Don’t you dare think you can escape my gravity without a word.

My adamant crystal core remains intact. I will sit quietly in the sun and recharge. I will be working, but my thoughts will flit to my hopes.

I wait, but I will not be idle.

Thought stream…

Off I go
getting excited again
My hopes rise out of my control
Think to my self,
“Is this my best friend?”
I grow ashamed of my condition…
Want to cling to anything that pays me attention.

Yet you seem to listen
You respond
You reach out unprompted
This is all that I have wanted
For so long I have felt neglected.
It’s my emotions, they seem out of control.
Impulses, feelings, thoughts

I should stop.
I should think.
I should wait.

I want to throw myself at something
Show myself totally to someone but stay my own at the same time.

I… 
Have given peeks into me so many times
Display my humor
Relate my plans
Share my creativity
Bare my soul.
In an infinite void of misunderstanding
I am Cassandra, eternally unheard…

Yet then there is you.
You listen, you seem to understand
Take all I have shown you and given back.
A few words from you can seed my energy for days.
I barely know your trivia
I do not think it matters
But yet I am afraid to say how I feel.
Will you run away when I try to come closer?
Like so many others will you grow silent without a word after I say too much?

Dare I suggest the happiness I feel?
Dare I confess that I miss you when you are not here?
Or would it be safer to just let it fade?

No.

It’s written now. I should let you see.

I refuse to hide nor could I stifle my light if I tried. If pain comes again, I will survive it.

The only thing that would be selfish is to keep this in, it shouldnt be a secret.

Thrice two atoms passed, and forth time the bond was set.

And so whatever the bond becomes…
Right now I call you dearest friend.