I am not ok.
I tried to fool myself, tried to hide my shame.
Four days with you were full of unbridled joy, and once removed from your light the pain I was ignoring was much more plain.
Everything is more clear, but also more fogged.
I told myself I was fine, but now I look and the illusion is gone.
I am more whole than I was a year ago and completely different from ten, but the journey isn’t done yet, there’s much more molding to enact.
You do not shy away, you only look at me silently as I make a move to reclaim the wall I had built around myself… and in the moment when our eyes meet, the wall crumbles away.
The feelings I tried to hide I lay before you now. I am sad, I am afraid, I am slipping back down a hill, I see below me that endless sea of sorrow, and suddenly I can not breathe and can not move. It is not rational.
Today it was cold, the sun never peeked once from the clouds. I spoke my truth after my lie, and you spoke your hurt and then your love, and suddenly my pain was gone.
Might I cling to you in this storm? Once it passes, can I continue to hold on?
You awake in me an urge to build again, but this time not a wall… an abode. Touch again on those feelings as we intertwine and grow more, reaching towards the stars, supporting each other, but still two lives.
I yearn for the world I see in your eyes.
I long to feel the safety of your arms.
In your company I am better.
I can take that strength and carry on…
I calm myself, close my eyes…